IIT,IIM alumnus feels hopeless as he tops UPSC too in a row

As the results of the Civil services examinations were declared a couple of days back, the Fiction TV reporter KAALPNIK met with the topper AVVAL SINGH. Following are some excerpts from the interview with the star:

KAALPNIK: Hearty congratulations, Mr. AVVAL. You have topped the most prestigious exam of the country- the Civil Services exam. How does it makes you feel?

AVVAL: (in a sad tone) Oh really? Congratulations? I am thunderstruck. I know I have topped and many people wish to do so, but do you have any idea how lonely does a topper feel!

KAALPNIK: (a little taken aback) Oh. Is it? Well, but are you really feeling that shocked? But haven’t you been a topper all your life? Like in IIT and IIM?

AVVAL: What thrill is there for a topper? Everyone in IIT studies. The topper is just expected to study more and top every other time as well. I was so much into topping that everyone started calling me “Sheldon”. Since I couldn’t do anything against it, so I thought it’s easier to prove it right. That inspired me to top the CAT exams and thus I was a topper again for the fellow batch mates at the IIMs.

KAALPNIK: Ah seems like topping is just your habit! Have you wished to top since the beginning?

AVVAL: Oh no, not at all. I wanted to get trained as a singer, and take up music further ahead in my life. But when I told about this dream of mine to my parents, they got furious and said that singers only get employed in trains for begging alms! That was the moment for me. Angrily I left to my study room and banged the door. And I came out just in time to top the JEE exams.

KAALPNIK: That seems to be a sad life you have gone through that time.

AVVAL: Well, not at all. That was ok that time. I had something to do, some point to prove. But today I am much sadder. It is because after topping the Civil Service exams, there is nothing left to be topped. I feel like a void is growing inside my soul. I feel damn lonely from inside. Since studying for exams and preparing for the entrances was all I had known, now I feel really aimless. I never studied to implement the learning. I studied to be able to top and then study more and top more! They say whatever one studies should be implemented in life. But how? No one taught me that. And today no one seems to say anything. Do you know of any other exams tougher than the UPSC which I can top? Please suggest me some!

KAALPNIK: Me? Ok, well… probably you can take the GRE, GMAT, SAT exams? But this surprises me that you still want to opt for further studies when you have such a prestigious offer in hand with the Government of India. Do you know how lucrative it would be? Why would you wish to study more in such case?

AVVAL: Oh no, no! You are getting me all wrong! Who is asking to study? No, it’s not about studying. It just about TOPPING! I want to TOP more. I just want to top everywhere. I want to be seen as the topper of all the exams of the world! My aim was never to become an IAS officer. My aim was, instead, to top all the toughest exams of the world! I have been pursuing and nurturing this dream all my life! It has become an obsession for me now. I can’t just let go of it. No one can take it away from me. Today you are interviewing me because of what it has made me. How can I ever let it go? To TOP is an essential part of me now!

KAALPNIK: Ok, let’s leave that topic. So please tell me, first IIT, then IIM and now IAS, that’s like you have got all the three major “I-exams”. According to them, whoever cracks one “I-exam” is Intelligent, someone who makes up to two of them is an Iconoclast, but the one conquering all the three is just an Idiot. Do you believe in it?

AVVAL: Yeah maybe, but whatever it doesn’t matter…  Are there only 3 “I-exams”? Do they have a fourth like that where I can top?

KAALPNIK: Well, I will let you know for sure if I come across one! Anyways tell me what has your strategy been in topping all those examinations?

AVVAL: Strategies? Well, none that I can remember. I was very chilled out, I just studied all the time.

KAALPNIK: Hmm… So what next do you plan to do?

AVVAL: I am flabbergasted! I feel utterly confused. I have so many offers in hand, but who wants to take up a job? How I wish I could have stood second in the UPSC exams! Then I could have taken them once again to TOP them in the next try, improvement you see? But no! that is also not going to happen. I had got all the questions right. It seems I have an OCD of marking just the correct answers in a question paper.

KAALPNIK: So do you plan to correct this OCD? Are you planning to visit a doctor?

AVVAL: Visiting a doctor? (Thinking for a while) Well, that gives me an idea! I can appear for medcial entrance, can’t I? Then I can TOP once again.

KAALPNIK: Oh you look little happy now. I am really sure that you would do well.

AVVAL: Hey wait, do I sound like I want to do just do well? Dude, all I want to do is TOP! Doing well sounds so worthless!

KAALPNIK: Oh I am so sorry. Anyways, moving ahead, can you tell us some funny incidences from your life?

AVVAL: Funny? Well… there haven’t been too many. But yes the word funny always reminds me of something. You know about the standard model which uses the subatomic elementary particles? I find it so hilarious that…

KAALPNIK: No. no… not that funny.

AVVAL:  Yeah… I can understand. Well, my sense of humour is really different you see. Not everyone can find it funny. But there are other instances on which people laugh on but such things do not amuse me. For example in my fourth year at the IIT, I appeared for GRE exams and scored 1590. That was so disheartening that I didn’t eat, sleep or bathe for an entire month and appeared for the exams again. It came later to my knowledge that the complete GRE centre was evacuate when I entered it. People laugh their hearts out when they hear this. Though I don’t see what’s so funny about it. Well nonetheless, I was able to increase my score to 1600, that’s all what matters to me!

KAALPNIK: Oh. That’s a superb attitude.  Well just one last question. Is there any piece of advice that you would to pass on to our student readers who just want to top every exam?

AVVAL: Yes. There is just one advice. Remember that such stunts are only performed by the professionals under expert guidance. So please do not try these in your own life, as you may end up getting a damaged emotional self which is an absolutely irreversible effect. Also, one more factor called “life” would get totally extinct from your life!

“IITians Can Tickle Your Bones!”