Rest In Peace, My Love! – Your Shona IITian!

It has been two years, my Love, since you have left me to never return. And my heart crumbles everyday with the guilt that I am still alive, even though you are no more.

Today, at your second death anniversary, nothing seems to have changed. The memory of your cute face and the touch of your soft and smooth hair are still fresh in my mind and my heart.

I still remember how you still smiled as you looked at me, even though it was increasingly becoming difficult for you to breathe. The love and the twinkle in your eyes never wavered, even though your hands were quivering. As your body parts failed you one by one and you started fainting, you managed to tell me “See you soon!” in shaking voice one last time.

I have not forgotten anything – your face, your eyes, your smile, your shyness, you laughing at my sense of humour and your charming innocence. I still remember your innate simplicity, the way you dressed up, the tender feelings you stroked as you put your head on my shoulder, and how lovely you looked as you naughtily called me ‘nerd’ and ‘book worm’. Everything about you was endearing to me.

I also remember the three promises I made to you as I watched you die:

• The Promise #1 that I will never forget you. That’s easy for me to keep. I have not forgotten you for a minute.
• The Promise #2 that I will visit your grave at least once a year. I do all I can to not visit it every day and keep my business going. From my point of view, it was something you did not need to ask at all.
• The Promise #3 was that I will never shed tears when you are gone. I am sorry, my love. I try hard to keep this one but I can’t. I try hard to repress my love for you, not be aware of the pleasure I felt when I was with you and the deep sense of losing it forever, and my sense of regret that I will not be able to see you and be with you again. My eyes start welling up on their own. I break down and I want to tear my hair out.

Today, I woke up at 4 am. I took a bath and reached your grave exactly at 6 am – the time when you took your last breath. As I put the bouquet of roses I brought for you on your grave and prayed for the peace of your soul, my despair gave way to tears. I did all I could to keep myself from fainting by clutching your grave tightly. But can the cold grave ever be as warm as you were? How the beauty of the sunrise seemed so meaningless to me today? What is the use of the Sun if it cannot breathe back life in you?

Somehow, I managed to console myself and walked to the mosque, where you always used to take me to pray for ‘my’ success and prosperity. I was a Hindu. Every time I visited the mosque, I was in awe of the way you sought blessings for me. How I wish I had learnt to pray like you? Your prayers were granted. I am successful today. Your ‘shona IITian’ has got an opportunity as an intern at the California Institute of Technology this summer.  Tomorrow, I will be leaving for Caltech. And you…are not alive to see it happen.

As I prayed for you today, the words seemed meaningless to me. The mosque that once used to be so charming and so full of love seemed so dull and desolate today. It has revived all my past memories for you. See, these tears refuse to stop. I fail you again in keeping the third promise I made to you.

Everyone in your family misses you – your mom, your dad, your sister and your grandpa. My dad and your dad are still best friends. But can anyone miss you like I do? I wish I could have died the day you passed away. Since morning, every moment I spent with you is playing again and again in my mind. I wish my veins would burst right now and something would happen that could erase your memories and make this pain go.

I will always love you. You will always have that special place in my heart that has been made just for you.

Here’s my small treat for you today, my love – your beloved strawberry vanilla ice-cream, your favourite Domino’s Pizza with crispy French fries just as you like them, and a pack of your favourite French Pastries. If you are around here, please open these packets and eat them. Leave a piece for me too. I will come around tomorrow morning to say “See you soon!” before I leave and eat whatever you leave for me.

I will always be yours, my love. Do wait for me till I join you there.

We received this heart-touching letter from an anonymous IITian on our email address blog@askiitians.com.

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